I didn't shave. On purpose
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
