I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
