my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
