oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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