Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we made out on top of his cat.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
