He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You are a genius and a whore.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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