Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
