I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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