dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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