I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
