i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
