I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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