i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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