I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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