My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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