Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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