I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
