just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
