Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
