Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
