if i can run in heels then i can drive
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
