I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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