Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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