My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
