You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
