Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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