Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wakey wakey hands off snakey
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
