I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
