my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
