just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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