I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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