I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The feeling are messing with the penis
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
