the condom got lost in my hair
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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