I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
COCAINE IS GR8
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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