I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
