I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
