I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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