I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
