what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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