I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
