Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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