he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
