youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
