i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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