How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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