No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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