New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
