Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
