Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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