FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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