the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
