I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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