Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
