I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
