I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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