The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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