cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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